Driving
Ugh, this is a tough one. Unless it's not - then, good for you.
Things to know
Determining when and how to stop your Loved One from driving is a process. You have to weigh:
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Whether your Loved One can safely drive
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How to maximize safety while not prematurely taking away independence
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Minimizing anxiety, depression, or other negative consequences
ISSUE
Determining when your Loved One should stop is tricky. Early on, your Loved One may be able to safely drive.
If you wait, you may be anxious about their or others’ safety. As they decline it may be harder for them to understand and accept the need to stop driving.
Doctors and others can help you assess when but, if you are questioning their safety, you may already know.
TIMING
Some people stop on their own. Some are ok with someone else suggesting they drive. Some “misplace” the keys and that’s that. No big deal. Some people accept a doctor telling them it’s time. Some don’t -- and that can be really hard for the family and Loved One.
If you're in the last group, it may take a long time and you may need support to minimize your and your Loved One's stress.
AN APPROACH
How they did it
JOHN
Age: Early 60s
Loved One: Wife, Mid-50s
Diagnosis: Early Onset
Years Since Diagnosis: 5
The driving evaluation has two parts -- an in office reaction test and an on road driving test. She was terrible at her reactions on a model gas and brake pedal. The following tests were a mess. She cried. She wanted to quit. She took more than two hours on a test that was supposed to take 90 minutes. She missed the road test. She failed the reaction time and other parts of the test. They recommended that her driving should be “restricted.” Fortunately, She declared “I am done driving.” We were lucky that we addressed driving early. She could understand the danger. I found it was better to address these big things a little too early than a little too late.
Turned out, she didn't miss driving. She just didn't want to be homebound.
KATE
Age: Early 60s
Loved One: Husband, Mid-60s
Diagnosis: Vascular Dementia
Years Since Diagnosis: 3
I took the keys and I’d carry them with me. He put a bullet in the pantry. In a threatening voice, he said I wasn't going to be happy with him. I took all his guns away before. But I didn't know if he had another gun. He clearly had bullets. I felt so unsafe. I gave him his keys back with the stipulation that he only drove to certain places during certain times of the day. He would get the gas but he’d lose his wallet or credit card. I watched the speedometer and I saw that when he went to the doctor a mile away he had travelled over 90 miles. He was getting lost. There were scratches on the car.
I regret that I didn't find a way to stop his driving.
JENNIFER
Age: Early 60s
Loved One: Husband, Mid-60s
Diagnosis: Early Onset
Years Since Diagnosis: 1
I’d say every three months we still have an argument about him not driving. He’ll say he has to go here or there. And I’ll say his companion can drive him anywhere he wants to go and he will get agitated. I say “the doctor said you can’t drive but if you want to go take a driving test, let's do that next week.” That always works. He cries. But then he'll forget about it for the next three months.
After the 911 call, when I felt that he really needed someone with him all the time, I said the doctor says it's not a good idea for you to drive. I’ve always been the driver.